I never in a million years thought that at 25 years old I would need a wheelchair | How I'm feeling.
Um…. This is weird.
I never in a million years thought that at 25 years old I would need a wheelchair or be an ambulatory wheelchair user. My mind kind of spins when I think about It. I thought I would use this space to talk about how I’m feeling and why.
Man, where do I even start? First off, I want to say mobility aids are much-needed tools and I believe they should be celebrated as they allow the person using them to be more mobile. If they were previously unable to do things but are now able to due to their mobility aid, that’s amazing and so freeing! I see my new (to me) wheelchair in that light and here’s why.
I posted a little over a week ago about my experience going (or attempting to go) to church. I used my walker on wheels but by the time I made it to my seat my heart rate peaked at 170, I was shaking violently and was trying my hardest not to lose consciousness. Once I was able to get my heart rate down into the 150’s I left and I was so upset. I haven’t been able to attend church since before this illness started months ago. Even with my walker, I was unable to stay. When I shared this with friends and family a dear friend suggested I get a wheelchair. There is a ministry about 30-40 minutes from my house that lends medical equipment to anyone who needs it for however long with no questions asked. I requested a wheelchair, spoke with the sweetest lady, and the next day (today) they dropped it off. I am beyond thankful because I could not afford my own.
While I am now excited that I should be able to attend church again, I am also sad. And I know I’ve been using the word sad a lot lately, but it’s the truth. It’s hard for me to admit that I need help. I feel a lot of guilt and I psych myself out often. I am strong-willed and stubborn and I want to do things on my own. Admitting I need a wheelchair sometimes makes me feel weak and powerless. Why won’t my body just work the way I want it to? It’s a constant reminder of what I’m unable to do. I think I also feel guilty too because I don’t look sick. I think my brain has been conditioned into thinking that wheelchair = sick and I guess I have a hard time admitting that I am sick. I also have a hard time admitting that hey, I don’t have to look a certain way and I don’t have to look the part to need something. I don’t look sick. I’m not malnourished or underweight, I don’t have broken legs and I’m not paralyzed, but I still need a wheelchair and that’s okay. It still blows my mind though because I never in a million years would have believed you if you were to tell me that at 25 I’d need a wheelchair to do things I used to do without thinking twice.
Anywho, enjoy a picture of me with messy hair in my new (to me) wheelchair. Should I name it?